Vinnie Paz - Rapper With Dersonalization Disorder


vinniepazADJUST


“Darkness comes beneath the dying stars
With all the blood and scars
I'm gonna hunt you
With fear I appear
Nothing will stop me
The greatter
Creature in me
Shattered, I will capture you
So run

My family don't understand what I go through
Under diagnosed for 20 years,
ain't never broke through
You ever been in such a fog you don't know you?
Never being able to do the shit you're supposed to?
I wouldn't wish it on anyone that I'm close to
Wouldn't wish it on anybody that I'm opposed to
There's not an accurate diagnosis to show you
Basic neurobiology isn't close to it
I'm watching life as a spectator
I can't help myself, even though I possessed data
It's not a part of my spirit to want to test nature
You think you know what I'm feeling, cousin, then let's wager
I'm having trouble retaining new information
Familiar scenes starting to look foreign - derealization
Everybody tired of being patient
Mama wondering why her baby crying in the basement
Constant rumination just exacerbates it
To the point where I can't barely narrate it
I've had doctors tell me that my mind is fascinating
But they can't tell me why the sickness has been activated

My head don't work, the meds don't work
But I don't want to be dead, dead don't work
Sleep's the cousin of death, the bed don't work
Maybe I'd rather be dead; dead don't hurt
Realization of an inherent emptiness
Maybe that's another sin for the pessimist
Possibly I am a jinn with a exorcist
I've fallen because I've been on the precipice
Maybe it's my mama's possible regret
Maybe it's a neurological neglect
Maybe it's the reason why water's wet
The angular gyrus and where the frontal lobe connect
But maybe I'm being too complicated for you
Maybe I should just be calm and explain it to you
The psychiatrist thinking they could fool you
Paxill, Zoloft, it's just wasteful to you
I've tried meditation, tried to sit in silence
But how the fuck that help a neurochemical imbalance?

Why would you tell a person that they were childish
Without an understanding of the pain that they surround in?
I always feel foggy symantic attachment
It's like my body isn't connected to actions
It destroys everything that's affected the fragments
I don't have nothing but senses and sadness

Darkness comes beneath the stars
With all the blood and all the scars
Nothing will stop me
The greater Creature inside of me

Run
Run”

Buddhist Thought - Countering Intrusive Thoughts

I have unfortunately long resisted Eastern thought and certain “alternative” medical practices, though in the past five years I have been intrigued and inspired by the sensible writings of Thich Nhat Hanh (Zen Buddhist). When I participated in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy I began to learn how to better control my anxiety, but it is difficult work that requires daily practice. Simple meditation and mindfulness do help reduce intrusive negative thoughts. Getting a handle on anxiety can help reduce the fear of bad DP episodes which can become a vicious cycle.

Here is a wonderful article by an individual with OCD who has worked hard implementing Buddhist thought (DBT and CBT for all intents and purposes) into calming his symptoms and finding some inner peace.

Please have a look:
Learning To Fall Apart by Matt Bieber
Some excerpts:
“ … the practitioner simply focusses on the outbreath, following it as it passes the tip of the nose and dissolves into space. Thoughts arise, of course, and when the practitioner notices that his attention has been diverted, he simply takes note and returns to the breath.

Over time, the practitioner begins to notice the sheer quantity of thoughts and feelings that his mind is generating. He sees the way that these mental phenomena have a mysterious life of their own — that they arise from nowhere and then disappear again. He starts to realise that it is possible to see thoughts and feelings without judging them, reacting to them, or identifying with them.

As this happens, the practitioner begins to notice some of the stories he tells himself. Some of these are big stories — about the kind of person he is, the ‘meaning’ of his life, and so on. Others are much smaller — his narrative about why he should buy this toothbrush rather than that one, for example. But in both cases he starts to see that these stories are simply composed of thoughts and feelings — like a string of popcorn on a Christmas tree. In other words, he sees that his stories about himself are made-up, too. (Practitioners of contemporary cognitive behavioural therapy — CBT — might find such insights familiar.)

As he recognises this, a kind of loosening occurs, not only does he identify less with individual thoughts and feelings, but he also begins to rely less on particular ways of understanding himself. He feels less and less need to summarise his experience, to corral his raging flood of thoughts and feelings into a stable, permanent view of who he is. And as he begins to let go of his constant grasping after solidity, a fuller sense of who he is starts to emerge.

OCD often feels like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, except that all the choices suck and all the adventures hurt. However, as I’ve begun to learn through Buddhist study and ritual, those ‘choices’ are illusory, and there’s no one being hurt. In fact, there’s no one there at all. The attempt to attain pleasure or avoid pain, to stay consistent with a storyline, to ensure some kind of outcome, to be somebody — this is what causes so much suffering.”